Carlos Part One

I just went on a walk with carlos. Instead of wearing all the gear he has to wear now--Muzzle, shock collar, sad eyes--we went out with only his choker chain. It was late on a Sunday night--early Monday morning even--and I thought it worth the risk to give him a last evening jaunt unimpeded by these new instruments that were meant to help give him the confidence to face his fears by making him so afraid of us he would forget about those. It didn't take. He was very obedient and docile in the training, only giving us a bit of stubborn behavior. Like in all the other training we did (on leash anyway: he's never been a kept dog off leash, though this last training began to help that) he learned quickly and seemed like a smart, disciplined dog. As the past few weeks have shown, however, this was far from the case. He got more aggressive than ever around people he'd already met several times. It was heartbreaking to watch and led me to understand just how irrational he was, just how unchangable he is, and just how unfair it is and has been to everyone who's put up with his frightening behavior.

On our walk he did his usual business outside in the bushes next to the back door of the condo complex and then we walked up the sidewalk towards the pool. He was calm and relaxed, smelling the leaves and grass, wet with a lite rain from earlier. There were so many times that I saw taking him out as such a chore; more than a few nights that I asked him a few times to go out, but didn't press him if he didn't jump up, knowing that he would hold it until morning. Many times I would get frustrated with him if he was taking too long, even yelling at him sometimes if he took his time in the rain. When he has begged for me to take him out, day or night, I have often taken my own time, sometimes even letting him fall asleep for a nap or till morning simply because I was being selfish. Tonight I was just happy to have that time with him. A few precious moments walking with him in the rain, watching him look fearfully into the night, the bushes near the building then turn to me for comfort and knowing that, very soon, I will be asking someone to end his life. I will do this not necessarily because of the fear he has of everything other than Jill or I; nor will I do this because sometimes it's a pain to take the dog out at 12:00 in the snow or rain. I will do it because, despite the fact that he has now come over and has quietly curled up underneath the desk, despite his cuddling up with Jill and I on the couch earlier tonight and with my feet right now, I know that not too far beneath this placid, fuzzy, puppy, lies an 80 pound animal that is afraid of just about everthing and that this makes him a danger to other people. I have subjected my friends and family to this danger and most of them have, again and again, stepped up and tried to give him love, affection, and even tried to help with training.

Few of them, maybe just a handful, have ever become close enough to him to have him be comfortable, i.e. to have him stop eyeing their every move and growling at their every noise. Those that have seem to share our love of him and have added a few places where he could feel safe. The rest have nobly attempted to understand and coexist with an animal that has nothing but animosity for them: this was done for us, not for him. I have always appreciated the people who he's let into the circle, but rarely have I thanked those that simply stuck it out despite being obvious candidates for a bite to the ass. But to all of them I owe an apology. In exchange for my being able to have a comfy, cozy foot warmer, I (and Jill, by extension--though she was always more aware) I made everyone else deal with their deepest fears at pool parties, christmas dinners and other get togethers. Mind you I loved this dog with all my heart and I always believed that there would one day be a way where everyone else could experience the feeling of him calmly breathing, sighing deeply when you pet him or he got more comfortable. As I experience it for one of the last times, I assure you all that it is very special to me and I had hoped you'd feel it too. But I sincerely apologize for having been mistaken and for have exposed you all to this for what seems to be no reason at all.

Well. I am fairly exhausted. I will go to bed and wait until late in the night, when Carlos thinks I am sleeping, to feel him sneak onto the bed. When I am sleeping, I am almost oblivious to this, something he has learned well. So he waits until that happens and then cozies up next to me. This has always made me contort myself into strange positions but when I wake up between him and Jill, it is always such a comforting, warm feeling. I am glad that I will still have Jill next to me, but I will miss having Carlos there.